I Have PCOS. Please Don’t Ask When I’m Having Kids.

The answer is I have no idea. How could anyone?

I still remember it clearly. After a pelvic exam and an ultrasound, I was sitting in an exam room as the mild-mannered doctor told me plainly: “You have PCOS. It’s probably going to be hard for you to have a baby.”

I was sixteen. And I started to cry.

I am a pretty private person, save for the overarching life lessons I share here. And this is unlike what I usually write. But I feel compelled to discuss my experience with a medical condition that is very common and yet, I feel, so overlooked.

At 14, I started my first menstrual cycle. But after that first time, I never got one again. At 16, my mom took me to the doctor. Something was obviously wrong. I not only worried about my health, but I also grappled with the emotional implications. Why was my female body not doing one of the primary things it’s supposed to do? The isolation I felt when all my high school peers talked about their period cramps and exchanged feminine products was excruciating.

But during those two years, I held out hope. Surely my body would kick into gear. I remember religiously going on the now-extinct beinggirl.com, a website that was devoted to preteen girls navigating puberty and had extensive content on periods and the best products to buy (woohoo marketing!). I had decided that when I finally could, I’d start with the light tampons and work my way up.

Except it never happened. And the reason? Polycystic ovarian syndrome, or PCOS. PCOS is a hormone disorder that can wreak all sorts of havoc. For me, the indicators were an irregular cycle and polycystic ovaries. One of the potential complications is infertility.

My doctor put me on progesterone pills. She said that my pituitary gland in my brain, the one in charge of hormones, was not connecting with the rest of my system and it needed help. And those pills did work - but I knew in the back of my mind it wasn’t real. I knew I’d have to face this later on, eventually.

Fast forward to being an adult - now 30 and married. I am surrounded by colleagues and friends who are mothers. And some who openly ask and talk about my future motherhood, as if it’s a guarantee. It isn’t for me.

The hard truth about PCOS is that, while not impossible, conceiving can be very difficult due to irregular cycles and lack of ovulation.

Since I was little, whether it was cuddling with my baby dolls or looking after my much younger sister when she was small, I have envisioned having a child one day. It has always been a desire within me. But the reality is that I face a difficult road. Not out of the question, but difficult.

I am happy for those who have children. But sometimes I wish there was a little more compassion and understanding for women who have complicated situations and the acceptance that it will not be easy for them like it might have been for others.

If you have PCOS or struggle with any kind of condition, I hope you feel comfort in knowing you’re not alone. We are all on our own journey. It’s easier said than done to not feel the pressure. I struggle with it often. But I also have faith that my life will unfold exactly how it’s meant to.

Lots of love,

Elizabeth